most days i'm scarlet but some days i'm blue. today i am nerves and fear and numbness and chill. medicating as directed but sometimes it still gets me and then i wonder: is it the stress of working and getting married and being in school? is it the glass of wine i had before bed last night? am i watching movies i shouldn't watch? or is it just time for it to come back and visit me for awhile, to remind me that you can feel better but you're never really cured?
whatever it is, i want it to go away. what do you have when you can't rely on yourself? when being alone in your own house is not enough comfort, when sitting in countless hot baths re-reading self-help books and "trying to think about something else" [i love hearing that horseshit advice] just doesn't work? you call your fiance at work again and again, leaving messages to his voicemail and begging him to call you. when he does, you'll say nothing more than "i'm scared". your parents start to worry because you start calling them continuously. they tell you that you know what it is and that you'll be okay.
but you don't feel okay. your heart is racing and your head is fuzzy: where are the car keys? where did i set down that dish of ice cream? did i remember to take my meds today? what if i pass out while i'm driving? what if i fall, or even die, here in my apartment at 1:11 on a friday afternoon when i'm supposed to be at work? i can't breathe. my hands are tingly and my feet are numb and i am so lonely. everyone else is busy with work and such. will this go away forever someday? will it get worse? will i go completely insane? and who will love me when i can't rely on myself?
perhaps another bath will help.
whatever it is, i want it to go away. what do you have when you can't rely on yourself? when being alone in your own house is not enough comfort, when sitting in countless hot baths re-reading self-help books and "trying to think about something else" [i love hearing that horseshit advice] just doesn't work? you call your fiance at work again and again, leaving messages to his voicemail and begging him to call you. when he does, you'll say nothing more than "i'm scared". your parents start to worry because you start calling them continuously. they tell you that you know what it is and that you'll be okay.
but you don't feel okay. your heart is racing and your head is fuzzy: where are the car keys? where did i set down that dish of ice cream? did i remember to take my meds today? what if i pass out while i'm driving? what if i fall, or even die, here in my apartment at 1:11 on a friday afternoon when i'm supposed to be at work? i can't breathe. my hands are tingly and my feet are numb and i am so lonely. everyone else is busy with work and such. will this go away forever someday? will it get worse? will i go completely insane? and who will love me when i can't rely on myself?
perhaps another bath will help.
Comments